Over the years I’ve become modestly proficient in makeup. I’ve learned, for example:
1) How to use “tone-correcting” powder without looking like a Nigerian smurf
2) How to find a blush that doesn’t channel Les Miserables’ “Lovely Ladies”
3) How to extract globs of mascara from my contacts…while they’re still in my eyes and I’m driving oh lawd I can’t see and I’m going to die
But the art of lipstick has always evaded me- like a pigmented, gloss-covered rainbow, promising a world of adult-ness and glamour instead of a pot of gold.
So this past year, I decided I would finally get good at lipstick. No, really. And after several unhelpful Marie Claire articles, invasive Sephora consultations, and sobbing sessions over pictures of Lupita Nyong’o, here’s what I came up with: 8 foolproof methods that would work for- like, anybody.
You’re very welcome.
Look 1: “Procrastination Lips”
1) Almost put on lipstick. Then…
2) Decide it’s a waste to apply lipstick before breakfast.
3) Decide it’s also a waste to apply lipstick before lunch.
Come home from work. Consider going out with friends, if only to have a reason to apply lipstick…
4) Then decide you have more important things to do.
Look 2: The “Pepto Bismol”
1) Realize neutral pinks won’t work for you, because when advertisers when say a color is “nude”… they don’t mean African people.
2) So try to embrace “bright tones” instead. Then, um…
3) Un-embrace them. Also, decide modeling might not be for you.
Look 3: “The Dehydrated Diva”
1) Realize that cups are basically mouth erasers, and be embarrassed about reapplying lipstick in public. Stop drinking almost everything. Tell yourself that all grown-ups sacrifice basic sustenance for the sake of pigmented lips. And…
2) Find new ways to enjoy scalding hot tea.
Look 4: “The Crumbly Leftovers”
1) Restrict diet to “finger foods” to avoid smearing lipstick….then decide lipstick isn’t worth giving up shortbread cookies.
2) Reap the consequences.
Look 5: The Crime Scene Suspect
1) Reconcile yourself to using cups. Then…
2) Wonder why no one ever offers you a sip of their drink.
Look 6: The Mona Lisa Smile
1) Be too cheap to invest in fancy “permanent” lipsticks. Constantly deal with the cheap brands slipping onto your teeth.
2) Decide silent coyness is a totally productive way to communicate. All day. Forever.
Look 7: The Lone Moment of Glory
1) Find a lipstick that is not too loud, not too subtle, and compliments your skin tone. Apply it in the comfort of your home, then go out and pretend you woke up that way. Enjoy this fleeting moment of perfection- because, of course…
2) Lunchtime cometh.
But if none of these looks worked for you, there’s one that never fails:
Look 8: The Nigerian Method
1) Realize that only one lip product understands West Africans and really, the whole world.
2) Buy an industrial-size tub of Vaseline. Rock that greasy glop for the rest of your days.
Happy Monday! If you liked this article make sure to share, and spill your favorite “foolproof” lipstick method in the comments. (Oh, and If you actually wanted useful lipstick tips, I direct you to the kind folks at Sephora stores. When you get over their Panem-Capitol level of pretentiousness, they’re actually quite helpful).